TSED; chapter 8

After sitting for a long time, Zhang Hang’s body was so frozen that Lu Chengye knew staying outside for much longer would be bad for him. He grabbed the teenager’s clothes and pulled him to his feet. Nosing him along, he led Zhang Hang home.

Even if, in a few days, Zhang Hang is no longer welcome, at least the home would keep out the wind and snow. In the winter, people couldn’t be outside for extended periods of time. Lu Chengye understood why Zhang Hang didn’t want to go home, however. He too had been at an age where he would rather starve than bow his head. Despite this, people had to keep living, no matter how hard things got. As long as they endured and didn’t dwell in the past, they would later feel like the pain and hardship from back then was just a footprint on the road of life, either deep or shallow. Zhang Hang may prefer to stay outside, rather than going back to the house and accepting the circumstances he has been given, but he had to. He had to go back, both for his own future and his well-being.

Each step is a step you must take yourself. It may be painful, or embarrassing, but you have to go on.

Lu Chengye almost had to bite Zhang Hang’s rear to keep them moving. Zhang Hang rubbed his hands, which he almost couldn’t feel, and whispered, “Big Black, I don’t want to go back.”

The dog whined and bit Zhang Hang’s butt, but not the meat of it. He just grabbed ahold of the cotton pants. Since Zhang Hang wouldn’t go, Lu Chengye would drag him. Lu Chengye tried his best to drag the Zhang Hang, and the young man’s confused expression appeared a little helpless.

“You’re right, I need to feed you after all.” Zhang Hang rubbed Big Black’s head. This was his dog that had been with him during his transition from child to adult. He was reluctant to let the dog suffer from cold and hunger.

One young man and one dog slowly walked back. As it got darker, more snow fell.

Under a street light, a familiar car stopped beside Zhang Hang. Zhang Qiming’s now sober face emerged from the window, and he said to Zhang Hang, “Get in.”

Zhang Hang was stuck on the side of the road. Zhang Qiming had left him in the hospital alone, but now came back to pick him up. He didn’t know how to face this familiar yet strange man.

“Get in the car!” Zhang Qiming was obviously slightly irritated. He had gone back to his parents’ home from the hospital and slept deeply. When he woke up, he decided to go home and have a talk with Zhao Xiaolian. However, nobody was there, and Zhang Hang hadn’t come back.

At that time, he’d suddenly remembered that he’d left the child at the hospital. He knew that they were not truly father and son, but as an adult, he could bear it. However, Zhang Hang was only sixteen, still a small child. Would he be able to handle such a shock?

After coming back to himself, Zhang Qiming wanted to slap his own face a few times. He drove out to find Zhang Hang. As he searched around the hospital, he began to lose hope. Fortunately, he was lucky and saw one person and one dog slowly walking along the road.

At the moment, however, Zhang Hang was looking at him with a strange gaze  full of wariness.

Yes, why would Zhang Hang trust him after what he had done these past days?

Zhang Qiming got out of the car, wanting to reach out and hug the child, but Zhang Hang stepped back. Big Black ran between them and stared at Zhang Qiming with a fierce gaze.

Zhang Qiming took a deep breath and softly said, “I always thought you had not been born full-term. You were less than nine months and only 6.5 pounds. You were small in her arms, crumpled and ugly, with a head half as long as your body. At the time, I thought my child was deformed and stood silently by, not even daring to touch you. I was busy thinking about how to comfort your mother and grandma. Thankfully, the doctor told me that because a newborn’s skull is soft, looking like this is normal. They would just have to put you under observation for a few days to make sure you were okay. I looked, looked, and looked at you every day without leaving even for a moment. Within a few days, your head went back to normal. It was round and tender, not as ugly as it was when you had just been born.”

He spoke while trying to hug Zhang Hang. Zhang Hang’s legs twitched, but he did not back away. Lu Chengye bared his teeth at Zhang Qiming threateningly, then stepped back to allow him to hold his son.

“After seeing you, I was reluctant to even sleep. When I got up the next morning, my eyes were dry, but I couldn’t help looking at you again. You were so cute. Back then, cameras were rare, but I bought one with all my money to take pictures for you. I thought to myself, I would take pictures of each stage of your life and save them. I didn’t want to miss a single moment of you growing up.”

Holding Zhang Hang tightly, Zhang Qiming’s voice was choked with sobs. “Hang Hang, why aren’t you my son? I’d be willing to give you the moon and stars, so why aren’t you? How could you not be!”

“Dad…” Zhang Hang couldn’t control himself anymore. He hugged Zhang Qiming and cried.

Even if they were not really father and son, even if irreparable damage had been done, feelings from more than ten years of being family had accumulated. Just because of blood, how could they let those feelings go?

However, they couldn’t go back to how things once were. Even if their feelings were still the same, even if they loved each other deeply, not being related by blood was enough to change everything.

Zhang Qiming sent Zhang Hang and Big Black home. As the boy and dog took a bath, Zhang Qiming cooked a warm meal with ginger soup. Ever since they married, Zhao Xiaolian had been favored by Zhang Qiming. She never entered the kitchen once. Since Zhang Hang was a child, Zhang Qiming had taken on the roles of both father and mother.

When Zhang Hang returned from his hot bath, he took a sip of ginger soup. He was reluctant to look at Zhang Qiming as he didn’t know his thoughts so he kept his head down. Lu Chengye wanted to sneak into Zhang Hang’s room to show Zhang Qiming the visit summary, but wasn’t sure if would be right of him to do so.

This man loved Zhang Hang deeply, like a father. In order to protect Zhang Hang, he was willing to endure his own frustration and maintain the illusion of a complete family. However, because he loved him so deeply, he was unable to bear the fact that they were not related by blood. This contradictory pain Lu Chengye could understand, but was not willing to forgive.

That day’s shock and his grandmother’s relentless scolding formed scars in Zhang Hang’s heart, bleeding and festering. In the days waiting for the results of the paternity test, they had become irreparable.

Moreover, even if he loved Zhang Hang, Zhang Qiming may not be willing to continue raising Zhang Hang after the divorce. It was not because he didn’t want to, but because he was unable to face him. The deeper his love for the child, the harder it was to face him.

Lu Chengye didn’t know if, at this time, informing Zhang Qiming of Zhang Hang’s eventual blindness would be a good idea. He wasn’t sure if Zhang Qiming would choose to fight for custody because of the disease. He was even more afraid of betting on Zhang Hang being able to maintain past feelings with Zhang Qiming, while also facing the hatred of his ‘grandparents’ after becoming blind, without the help of a blood relationship.

In business, he liked to analyze the advantages and disadvantages of every action, regardless of feelings, and choose the most efficient method in order to get results.

So, Lu Chengye did not move. He watched Zhang Hang eat his meal silently, then go into another room with Zhang Qiming.

Divorce was not a simple matter. In the era before prenuptial agreements, property was a big problem if you wanted to divorce. Zhang Qiming was definitely unwilling to give half of his property to Zhao Xiaolian, and Zhang Hang’s paternity test was strong evidence in her favor. However, Zhang Hang was destined to follow Zhao Xiaolian. If she was not given money, Zhang Hang would soon have to drop out of school and beg for food.

Deep love and affection: these feelings, when compared to potential benefits and money, were put aside.

Before the new year Zhang Qiming had gone to see a lawyer, but Zhao Xiaolian still did not return home.

It was a cold and lonely New Year, the first New Year like this in Zhang Hang’s life. At the time, he didn’t know that this was how he would spend the following New Years of his life as well.

He bought a lot of fireworks and firecrackers for himself. Back then, it wasn’t illegal to set off such things in private. He watched the fireworks in the sky with only Big Black by his side.

Now, at age sixteen, new pain came along with the coming of the New Year.

The colorful fireworks that were wrapped in blue paper were placed by Zhang Hang beside the Christmas tree that stood in the yard. When he went to light the fireworks, he had to feel around for a while before he found them. Lu Chengye got a bad feeling and went to Zhang Hang, only to see the young man looking at him helplessly.

“Big Black, I, I… I can’t tell which…”

It wasn’t that he couldn’t see, but that he couldn’t tell apart the green pine and the blue paper.

Color blindness had already started to appear.

Lu Chengye put his head on Zhang Hang’s leg, as if to give him the strength he needed to support himself. It was okay, he was still here.

Even if he didn’t mention or think about it, this was a cruel reminder to Zhang Hang that his eyes got worse day by day. Modern medicine had no cure. Even so-called acupuncture was just a scam. There was no way to stop him from slowly going blind. It was brutal and heartless.

All over the sky, fireworks lit up the night until it was as bright as day. Zhang Hang sat in the yard, but on this bright night, he only felt that the future would be dark.

He didn’t know when, but eventually he would fall into the darkness forever and never see the light again.

In the New Year of 2006, Zhao Xiaolian received a letter from her lawyer. Zhang Qiming had filed for divorce, leaving her with only one small building from the 1980’s where they had lived when they got married. Zhang Qiming was also willing to pay Zhang Hang’s child support every month until he had graduated from university.

If Zhao Xiaolian didn’t agree with Zhang Qiming’s decision, then the paternity test would be submitted to the court.

back . toc . next